A Girl In The Moment

Tried to lower my vibrations before I went to the mosque yesterday which was Friday as I was so full of positivity that morning that I worried I might giggle in the mosque since I still have some sanity reputation to uphold , which I did hahahah thinking the Khatib might say something in Malay with Arabic accent that might sound something like faraj (How blasphemous hahaha) . Not to mention on the second rakaat I obliviously recited al fatihah and almost finishing it in advance of the Imam before I stopped abruptly pressing my lips together tightly trying to muffle myself from laughing , again hahaha ...

After the prayer , I walked to a nearby pillar and propped myself against it and as I sat someone came to shake my hands . He crouched beside me with his right shoulder almost touching my neck . My first love in highschool , Frederick was so thin back then but at the same time no less romantic that it made me felt awkward that time to develop feelings for him considering that I was much bigger than him ( I was trapped in the notion that a man must always be bigger and taller than his woman ) . But he’s a lot buffer now , come to think of it he’s even more than slightly bigger than me as I have grown so thin though the fact remains that I will always be the tallest one . The aura that I could feel emanating from him , oh wait aura is inappropriate in this sense as some people might call it bullshit while their lives are so full of shit , so I will use impression . The impression that he made was still that of peace and tranquility , but with an addition of safety . I felt so safe when he sat next to me , it was like my vibrations were being raised higher , if I tilted my head a bit it would certainly rest on his upper right arm . He would never let me get that close to him before in highschool , I wonder if he had had any sexual experience with any effeminate guy or transwoman in UMT that finally makes him comfortable now to be that close to me . There wasn’t any sexual arousal involved in my part ( Hardly ever now due to my growing spirituality ) , it was just the tranquil feeling that I was being protected . Such a mystery of how much masculinity can affect women , how it can make us feel very safe at one time and threatened at some other times . We talked and talked for quite some time . He asked for my phone number and wanted to meet me again sometime ( Ergghh too much “some” and “time” ) , have a chat and whatnot . But I told him that I really don’t wanna meet anyone at the moment , as I’m very content with the stability in my life right now ( Boyfriends and friends mean dramas and dramas are good since they add colours into our life , and I don’t really fancy bright colours or ones that are too dull ) . And I also hoped that that moment would last longer , as it feels so safe and tranquil to be near him , just like old times before I found out he had been corresponding messages with a form three harlot errr I mean female student , in fact it is so much better now , the feeling is . He left anyway , inviting me to call around at his house anytime . I can still feel that feeling in my heart , is this love , I’m not sure anymore .

Then I went to the beach , I have always loved the beach . I think I understand why Tolkien had in mind that the Teleri love the beach and are being so attached to it . It never fails in magnifying the sense of serenity or providing one anytime one fails to achieve it at home . There is a spot that I’ve been noticing for some time but never had any chance to drop by at as Mat Rempits really fancy to hang around there . Nobody was there just now which is quite another token signifying how lucky yesterday was to me . With two large trunks lying under two or three pine trees , it makes a good spot for observing the island far away , the sound of the splashing waves , and the windy breezes that come from the South China Sea . I took that moment of tranquility to make sense of past memories of someone’s bad-temperedness . I feel that it has been the fate of us women to withstand men’s aggressiveness , some would opt to fight aggression with aggression , but most of us prefer to simply hold back and let it pass , hoping that God would inspire them to control their temper just like any gentleman would , it was some long period of contemplation to be honest . Then it started to drizzle , the clouds from the zenith above my head and westwards from my back away from the sea started to turn grey . It struck me that I might as well leave if I didn’t want the sulphuric and nitric acid to erode my smooth and flawless skin . But the atmosphere was so serene that I started to feel it would be absurd for such a natural phenomenon to hurt me while I was being bewitched under the nature’s beauty . There were only a few drops of rain that touched my skin and yes they were so cool that I realized it has been such a long time I haven’t taken any shower of rain . Too bad it only drizzled . Then I went home . Such a beautiful day yesterday ..

                                   

I have always wanted to visit a vast field like this

                                         

Trying To Make Sense of My Existence

I think it is safe to say that the root of all evil in the world is the lack of love , almost anyone would agree with this . I’m saying this based on my observation of my feelings and responses to life events and a bit of understanding of my psyche (as there is nothing that we can learn that can give us more tremendous benefits than ourselves) and also from the insights of many authors through their writing . I’m not exactly sure whether my hesitation in giving love is due to my upbringing or the frailty of my character as I got very easily offended during my younger years . Probably due to many reasons , complex causes that intertwine with one another .

And I had also wondered on how did I acquire the kind of upbringing I had , I mean some people had very lovely childhoods and their lives have been so full of love with lovingly demonstrative parents , aunts , uncles , cousins , grandparents and in fact long distant relatives that they turn out to be adults who are no less affectionately demonstrative themselves . Though gist of the Holy Scripture of my religion emphasizes on something like , “God does as He pleases” (Indeed your Lord is the Doer of what He wills: Hud verse 107 , He will forgive whom He pleases and punish whom He pleases: The Family of Imran verse 285 , and , God guides whom He wills: The Light verse 46) , I believe that there is always an underlying reason for any condition and circumstance that He brings into reality . Yeah one can argue for hours concerning which one comes first , God’s will or the cause , but I’d rather settle for the argument that we can never comprehend God , and He does as He pleases but at the same time we the folk who are gifted with free will are accountable to our own actions .

I was asking for God in my prayers to show me the truth of my existence , the same way other believers would do , for quite some time … One day my prayer was answered , just like many other believers whose prayers had been answered , I came across a website , True Islam while I was searching for some reading materials that could explain to me the position of reincarnation in Islam . The Quranic interpretation held by the website disapproves reincarnation citing Quranic verses that support the view that our life on earth will be only once . However that is not the topic of this article and the matter that I would like to discuss is this theory proposed by the website whose owners I reckon happen to be Quranists , concerning the origin or reality of our existence . The article whose author is not mentioned is titled “Why Are We Here ?” . By citing the two first verses from the Chapter of Kingdom of the Quran it started by claiming that we did have an existence prior to our life on earth . What kind of creatures were we is not mentioned but that which has been stated is we were once part of a Heavenly Society . The trouble started when Satan as one of the elite started to entertain thoughts of snobbery that his God-given powers qualified him to be a god besides God and therefore challenged God’s absolute authority . This blasphemy lead to a division within the Heavenly Society . There were those who agreed with Satan that he is capable of being a God , those who were not sure , and those who were under no doubt that God alone has the qualifications to be a god . As a result God gathered the two former groups and offered them a second chance to repent and submit to His absolute authority . A vast majority of the creatures accepted the opportunity , however a small portion refused the offer and arrogantly preferred to take the responsibility to find out for themselves about Satan’s claim of God’s authority , and we humans are said to be among them . Therefore the Heavenly Society were divided into four categories : angels , animals , jinns and humans based on their stances during the Great Feud . It’s enough to conclude the article by stating that our purpose of existence on earth is solely to witness for ourselves that Satan is not at all capable of being a God and to bear witness that there is no God but God . This life is nothing but our last chance to redeem ourselves for our past arrogance and transgression .

So perhaps that was my sin , and it is rational to think that there was itself a spectrum of doubt and arrogance among those who doubted (which was only known to God) , and perhaps the unpleasantness that I had gone through was in a way a form of retribution for my sin . The gist “God does as He pleases” could be God’s way of forgiving our sins by not mentioning them anymore and those people who resigned themselves to that fact is in fact a form of recognition of God’s absolute authority and could reward them very immensely . Thus , that is how I make sense of my early realities .

Anyhow the unpleasantness that I had was actually due solely to my lack of appreciation for good things , or should I say my inherent state of mind was at fault there as I do know children who had gone through far worse unpleasant events but were still capable in giving love , and they became remarkable human beings afterwards . So the conclusion could be , the sin I had committed during the Great Feud somehow decreased my vibration or rather the frequency of my state of being that eventually manifested as the frailty of my character during the early years of my life .

However , despite of the intensity of doubt and arrogance we had in the Great Feud , we are still being bestowed with the gift of free will , the reasoning ability and the capacity to feel emotions . Perhaps with this gift , we could figure out the workings of our physical reality , that is as the New Agers call them , the Law of Attraction (the term referring to the concept that we are in charge of our present reality) . That is in fact the manifestation of God’s infinite mercy . He even chose humans among mankind to receive His revelations that can serve as our guides during our habitation in this world (and I have quite an idea that these humans , or the prophets , or rather the enlightened people were among the few member of the Assembly who committed the least doubt concerning God’s absolute authority) . Therefore our purpose doesn’t get very far from the main teachings of the great prophets , that is to acknowledge God’s authority and make as many good deeds as possible to reap the rewards of a good life in the afterlife .

Now that I am accepting this theory of existence , I really hope that it will make it easier for me to make peace with my past and allow me to create more pleasant realities with much more peace . But there are times when things don’t get any easier despite of this new realization (if I’m allowed to use such word) , bad feelings hardly wear off . Sometimes I alleviate the bad feelings through other means such as consciously trying to raise my vibrations as high as I can by taking long deep breaths or by counting the small blessings . The realization of the life before our life on earth just happens to be one of the many ways I can ease my mental suffering . I reckon if the rewards would be much higher if I remain ignorant of this theory and continue to dwell on the more difficult means of a series of trials in letting go . As I am quite acquainted with the wisdom of ancient people , the more difficult something is , the higher are the rewards , or at least the more sins are being wiped off , or rather in language of the New Agers , to increase the appreciation for the good things that might come afterwards .

So the question now is what if I’m wrong , and if I’m wrong , what will I lose for making up such a false concept of existence ? But what is the true one anyway ? Life is harsh , some people have already gone heartless , this is just the least I can do to make my existence as a Muslim more plausible to cope with . At least again I’m not compromising myself by committing shirk or detaching myself completely from Him by worshipping idols or declaring atheism , so as long as I keep my distance from the boundary of faith , it should be just fine . I won’t judge non-Muslims anyway , I will never say God’s mercy is barred from reaching them , as God also asks us to do kindness to and have empathy and compassion for each other , and as long as anyone does this , who can stop one from receiving God’s love ?

                                              

At the end of the day , all of us are just trying to make sense of the world we live in , so that all forms of suffering can become more bearable and we can forgive and forget with much more ease .

                                                         

My Problematic Brother

Ever since I was little I never got along well with this one particular sibling of mine , a younger brother born after me . He was reckless , impulsive , rebellious , disobedient , and the epitome of chaos . I hated him so much , he had been bullying me since I was four or five years old . Took a lot of things from me and caused me misery (couldn’t put all the blame on him too , as I too had played my part at being an obnoxious character ) . He inherited a lot of father’s negative attributes , bad-tempered and impatient , had a penchant for relentlessly asking for things and pushing people to their limits , and he was his most beloved child . It gives me no surprise at all for their remarkable resemblance with each other either in look or character .

An inherently problematic person , not a month passed by without him creating any sort of trouble . Such a headache he had been to mother who was already having worries over so many other matters . And to cap all of the troubles he made , he became a drug addict , just like father . Though injection was the fashion in father’s time , my brother’s age is the age of drug pills . He had been admitted into the drug rehabilitation centre countless times , or perhaps not more than ten times but I don’t want to take the bother to recall and count since I was rarely at home after I turned 18 , and here he is still being addicted those pills . And I do like to emphasize how alright and perfectly fine for drug addicts to be addicted to drugs as we are all addicts in many shapes and forms as it is in our nature to escape reality , but it is also important not to cause troubles to others . Being an addict and at the same time causing troubles to people in one’s course to relieve the addiction , is absolutely wrong , that’s what that makes drug addicts in the society in my country or at least in my state , are so frowned upon .

The problem with him lies on lack of self-control , he indulges in self-excitement , and as we all know , the nature of the world is about balance , having too much good things without equal degree of appreciation and gratitude , will cause suffering … And yeah , he could never sit down in still and suffer the hectic nature of his mind and be patient enough for the nervous system to cool down , so drugs are the alternative for him for inner peace now , or perhaps another source of excitement as the desire for excitement is so dangerous if not kept under control .

I rarely talk to him , I happen to hate him so much that I can hardly talk to him what more to be friendly with . For someone who values courtesy and well manners like me , I certainly have dormant inner turmoil that cannot be triggered by anybody but someone who is as barbaric as him . But I do understand his suffering and I know he regrets a lot and I am aware of almost if not all the acts of kindness he did to me , whether subtly or not , or being masked under spontaneity or not , I just don’t know how to help him physically or at least psychologically . I do pray for him though not very often and certainly not intense , and I did try to get along with him which failed disastrously with a big fight , a physical altercation of which mother was the unintentionally underlying reason , and sometimes he does seem somewhat at peace the next day after I counted all the good things about him and gave him as much blissful feelings as I can . But it’s those subtle resentment and grudges that I subconsciously bear for him that makes it difficult for me to progress further in spiritual effort in raising his vibrations . Modern society would label me as ridiculous and full of nonsense , but I do have seen miracles on how effective intentional and mindful prayers are …

As a conclusion , I wonder if this is one of my many God-given tasks in this world , to dedicate part of my thoughts and feelings for his sake .

Pray and pray before you get prayed

                                    

Losing My Weight

After six months of taking mild oestrogen pills , around January 2015 I started to gain more fat due to having heavy meals at night and lack of exercise ... My belly literally became a pot ! I felt so insecure after that as I never got that fat and I looked like I was three or four months pregnant . But I did try to counter the effect by doing sit-ups and reduce eating , and not much worked out ... At the end of 2015 I stopped taking oestrogen pills (contraceptive pills to be honest) gradually to reduce my food craving , and I did lose a few grams ...

However the shape of my belly maintained as it was and I never really have much conviction in slimming pills as I have always been aware of the placebo phenomena , and not having much idea or perhaps patience in supplying affirmations to my subconscious mind , I started to search for facts concerning body weight and how to reduce it ...

Well while scrolling through Facebook newsfeed , I encountered a post by the Science Alert page that told the mystery behind weight loss .. A physicist named Ruben Meerman partnered with Andrew Brown, head of the UNSW School of Biotechnology and Biomolecular Sciences started calculating the biomolecular reactions that result in weight loss . They found out that for every fat molecule being broken down , 84% will be exhaled as carbon dioxide and 16% will become water . And the agent for breaking down fat is oxygen and a little bit of muscle work out ...

So that's it , I thought , I just need to inhale as much oxygen as I can to break down all these fats .. But the question now is , how can I make sure the fats from my belly come off first ? That's when I recall the importance of belly breathing and the fact that every movement consumes energy .. So if I move my belly as I breathe , it is like to see that my belly uses up all the available energy resources surrounding it , which are the fats ! Hohoho to be honest , after committing myself to belly breathing for around two months , my belly has been shrinking gradually and my digestion has improved considerably ... Deep belly breathing , regularly .. That should do the trick ! Though I do have an inkling that this is all might be a result of the placebo effect .. Regardless of the truth of the process , it doesn't matter as long as it works just fine .

Omg I've turned into Adriana Lima nowww , fainted !