The Lamentation Continues

anyone who has read my blog from the beginning, is definitely realized by the fact that i am a transgender or mukhannath or in other words, a woman born into a male body, and i am also a Muslim. being those two at the same time is quite an irony as one quite contradicts to the other. it was hard to not being a Muslim as that was the religion i was first introduced to (an inherited belief), which i studied moderately for my own understanding and i was always a spiritual person (and i'm still), i thought about God all the time though i was not the one likely to be considered as a strictly practical Muslim, but i always thought of Him and i said to myself that one day, that i was going to do all that He asked His servants to do, completely.

maybe i'll become like this one day.

i was accustomed to the belief that God is the most loving, the most just, and a Divine Perfection, so i thought to myself, well since He has always been generous to me, at least in things i could not see the implications of not having around, and the promise that He would reward me in the afterlife if i abstain myself, i thought, it would well worth it to practice abstinence.

abstinence, get it?

i could never marry a girl, but i could resist that feeling of wanting to be dressed  as a girl. but i was living a life where everyone was constantly talking about marriage and anyone who failed to do so would become a standpoint that our Prophet, Rasulullah would not acknowledge him or her as one of his people in The Day of Judgement. little by little i was mentally coerced to be more and more of whom that was not me.

later i learnt about the Muslim Saint, Rabiatul Adawiyah and the conditions for a marriage as a guideline provided by Imam Syafie that marriage is an obligation for those people who will fall into fornification if not married. the conclusion is i cannot marry a woman because i am a woman in my heart.

i want to become a woman, live a social life as a woman, and to be addressed as she instead of he. i want to get married and have a wonderful and compassionate husband who will lead me in living my life as a servant of God, and who will understand me and love me as i am, and have beautiful children with him. having a husband is one that you choose for a lifetime, not just a one-night-stand. that's my view.

and i always hope that one day i will meet the man of my dream who will love the woman in me, see the woman in me, totally love me, not just some instant sexual tool which he can call up to whenever he needs to unleash his virility. it is, by no doubt, every girl's dream.

this is my dream. and the mother is me.

as much as i believe that God has purposely created the mukhannathun, or the transgenders, because of my interpretation of these verses of Quran, i still have doubt whether i will still be blessed to live as a woman. the conservative thought of being wrong to become a transgender is still deeply buried within me. i am not sure if i will be completely happy later. besides, i also have a concern for my husband to have a complete and fulfilled life, where he can have children of his own, as normal as possible.

The Qur'an recognizes that there are some people who are "ineffectual" [عَقِيم], thus neither male nor female:

The Chapter of Ash Shuraa: 

49 "To Allah belongs the dominion over the heavens and the earth. It creates what It wills. It prepares for whom It wills females, and It prepares for whom It wills males. 

((للهِ مُلْكُ السَّموتِ وَالْاَرْضِ يَخْلُقُ مَا يَشَآءُ يَهَبُ لِمَنْ يَّشَآءُ اِنَاثاً وَّيَهَبُ لِمَنْ يَّشَآءُ الذُّكُوْر

50 Or It marries together the males and the females, and It makes those whom It wills to be ineffectual. Indeed It is the Knowing, the Powerful.", 

      (اَوْ يُزَوَّجُهُمْ ذُكْرَاناً وَّاِنَاثاً وَيَجْعَلُ مَنْ يَّشَآءُ عَقِيْماً اِنَّهُ عَلِيْمٌ قَدِيْمٌ)


And this is the description of the above verses;

|| These last two verses (42:49 and 50) are usually interpreted differently in English translations to say that God bestows daughters or sons on whom It wills and gives some people both sons and daughters. But there are problems with this interpretation, one of which being that the word for causing to marry or pairing up [زَوَّجَ] is used in the second verse. When families have boys and girls, the boys and girls do not usually arrive in pairs! The second problem is that, in Qur'anic verses mentioning males and females together, the males are usually mentioned first, and the females second (e.g., 3:195, 4:12, 4:124, 6:143-144, 16:97, 40:40, 42:50, 49:13, 53:21, 53:45, 75:39, 92:3). This is the only verse in the Qur'an, as far as I know, in which the female is mentioned before the male. If these two verses were talking about sons and daughters, we would expect sons to be mentioned before daughters.

In this case, the "males first" principle would indicate that the lines are referring to females and males not as offspring, but as counterparts, i.e. objects of desire, for "whom(ever) God wills." The female objects of desire are mentioned first because they are most typically objects of desire for males. Hence, even this verse is referring to males first, as the most typical "whom(ever)" for whom God prepares females. Yet the use of the word "whom(ever)" leaves it open for females to be objects of desires for other females as well, when God wills, and for males to be love objects for females and other passive non-males. I believe this verse is very neatly and concisely describing the varieties of sexual orientation and gender, which Allah, the All-Knowing and All-Powerful, creates as Allah wishes. ||



and one day, i will lose everything that i will ever had in this world, which finally the only one that is left for me is God.

the basic understanding of all these is that, there is an urge inside of me which is much stronger than the worldly desires, is calling me to devote my life to God. i have always believed, even however screwed i am, that one day, i will prostrate to Him in most of my time... even up until now i just want to dedicate my life only for Him...

but i have a responsibility to myself, my mother and my siblings to build a life that is stable for us, for that, i have to ignore many temptations that will divert me from my path.

and what about the situation after i have overcomed all the obstacles? what will i do later in my life?

well, as a wise man said "dont think about the future, work on the NOW and enjoy the NOW."

i think that is what i will do, i will work hard and i know if i put a lot of labour now, life will be much easier. but what about the women in Africa who put laborious efforts more than Bill Gates has ever done and still living the life much less than Mr Gates himself. i guess that is where dreams and planning play a great deal of role in a particular success.