Happy New Year

A new year has passed and I realize that I had a lot of objectives unfulfilled for the last year , and I wonder if reminiscing about them will bring any positive change . Learning from my mistakes is the best thing I can do for the moment . Honestly , even how much I tried to be positive , I was succumbed to the emotional states of people I was surrounded with , failing to seek the light in the darkest moments of time , I made reckless decisions that finally the one affected was not only me , but many other people I am very close to .

Happy New Year 

I want to speak about my new perception of life as a freethinker and I want to make it as short as possible as I want to elude any possible points of degrading my former religion . I am not an atheist as I believe in the existence of God but I also wonder on some observations that connect to the absence of God , therefore I take a stand as a deist believing in the existence of a supernatural power who does not intervene in fates of all creatures but rather allowing the natural world to run according to the laws of nature . Deism comes from the word "deus" , the Latin word for "God" , while atheism and theism are loaned  from Greek words of "atheos" and "theos" meaning "without God" and "God" respectively . This way I can lead my life without guilts and regrets and keep focusing in what I have always endeavoured .

Everyday I want to smile and give my full good feeling to the earth for the beautiful life still granted to me . I'll thank to God for everything that still stays by my side which without them , the flow of life will be quite complicated . This will generate the positive attitude inside me that will continuously go on till the rest of the day . For every emotional impulse , I will resist and give my whole lot to stick to optimism .

We can never change the way people behave , but we can always improve the way we respond to them . I will always remember this phrase that I've heard so much often . It is not as easy as that as it can be quite laborious depending on how grumpy we have been , I did not have it easy , but I dared to say , day by day I have improved a lot . This has to do with giving positive causes for what they do which require a degree of empathy there . Sometimes , reasoning and logics do come out of mind but emotional response is a bit tricky to hold from being expressed . We have to accept the fact that it has long been embedded in our subconscious mind that a particular event will trigger a particular emotional response . Time and effort are the only answers to reprogramme this neuronic pattern . Nevertheless , it is not about the result right but the process that we are going through towards any achievement .

I want to focus more on what I do and stick to it until I see the result . Having many more things to be done in this new month seem to whisper that I have to put more efforts and exert further discipline . It might be hard in maintaining the feeling of positive later , therefore more works are needed to improve my perception on my future circumstances . I'm not gonna describe them as it is more like telling that they will happen eventually though I think I'm quite confirmed that my improvisatory strategy will counteract them effectively . How confident !

Sorry for lacking posts last year and inadequate educational content in them , I'm still getting myself used with English as my native tongue is Malay thus it takes time for me to write because I've been spending a lot of time recently reading written English materials in improving my vocabulary so that reader will not be tired having read the same words again and again giving the feel that my opinions seem pointless haha ! For future post I would to review the book by John Medina published in 2008, Brain Rules : 12 Principles For Surviving And Thriving At Work , Home And School . Love that book , I bought it at Kinokuniya early of the last month around 3rd or 4th of December , or let's say here , last year hahah . Surely many people have read the book . 

German Language Enthusiasts

Knowing how influential the Germans are in the development of Classical and Modern Physics and the field of Nuclear Science that I delved myself into seemed to ignite my passion to learn their speech. So, I took two German classes for last year session, each level for each semester. For the first level, I registered very late and I first entered the class on the second week of October in 2013, it was on Monday as two days after, on Wednesday, a friend of mine came to deliver a book which I asked to buy to be used for the German class in which he gave for free. On February 2014, I started the second semester.

Learning the language was so much fun for me as I started to believe that I had a special liking to a highly structural language. I learnt how to pronounce German letters which I found quite similar to the way the Indonesians pronounce theirs, Trennbare Verben for two words that are combined to form a verb which later can be splitted when forming a sentence, the existence of three genders for pronouns or four if the plural form is considered a gender, the nouns and their spellings in plural usages, and well-known places in Germany and later it got harder as my lecturer started to emphasize more on grammatical rules in Level 2. Thinking of having a latent aptitude for language, I became the most active participant in the class and my lecturer grew fond of me for quite a degree back then.

Well due to job and holidays, I had become dissociated from the subject that I once hoped to continue to be tied with like forever. Honestly, I have always wished to go to Germany and further my study there, therefore mastering German is totally an advantage. But it can be perilous to open back the book and start all over again. So I searched the internet and looked for any software that I can possibly utilize to learn German in a way that will not bore me.

There is this site Rocket Languages that offers an educational software to assist people who are eager to learn foreign languages, to master their language of interest with fun and consistence. The CEO and co-founder of the website, Jason Oxenham claims they have reached 1,212,346 users from 196 countries worldwide since its establishment in 2004, been selected by PCMag as their Editors’ Choice for language learning and been conferred on with the 19^th annual Best Educational Software Award. 

The system to help people master German is the Rocket German and it does so through seven strategies applied in every level of progress known as Rocket Express Learning System® . Firstly the system accommodates your schedules. You can learn German during whatever activity you are currently doing whether you’re walking, heading to workplace, at the workplace, performing house chores or while getting rid some of the fats at gym. This is all possible through the availability of applications that come with every Rocket German course which are accessible from any computer, tablet or smartphone.

Secondly, Rocket German will drive learners to explore the grammatical structures of German and explain in-depth the difference of German sentence structure to English.  German is highly structural, it is imperative to understand how particular words are arranged in a particular sentence form. Thirdly, the reinforcement of what you have learnt under consistent basis. It has the Testing feature where their scientifically-designed testing algorithm re-displays words and phrases that you are weak on to become deeply embedded in your brain, which enables easy recalls whenever you’re going to need to use them in conversation.

The fourth success strategy is the provision of Rocket Record that allows you to record yourself saying any of the thousands of German words and phrases in Rocket German. Pronouncing out loud words or phrases will activate key areas of your brain to further reinforce the new connections that are being made as you learn German. Rocket Record also acts as a voice comparison tool to enhance your pronunciation and accent. Essentially, this is practical in acquiring the native tongue.

Fifthly, Rocket German uses the strategy of “Shadowing”, a hyperglot method devised by Alexander Arguelles and he himself is a hyperglot. A hyperglot is someone who masters six or more languages meanwhile a polygot is someone who masters three to five languages, the more commonly known term. Basically it is just about listening to recorded dialogues and repeating them simultaneously and verbatim, and Rocket German provides audio tracks for the purpose which are downloadable. The aim is to get to used to the words of German without necessarily understanding the meanings first by encoding the gist of them in your subconscious mind. This technique is similar to the way we learnt our mother tongue, by repeating sounds exactly as you hear them. In the end, you are able to master colloquial speech, accent and intonations of German language.

The sixth strategy is, the system also provides an interactive forum of unlimited 24/7 lifetime online access constituting a team of German teachers, native speaker and German enthusiasts who will answer all your German language questions. As a basis for consistency, it is of utmost importance to keep ourselves motivated and to actively being improved. We might have found ourselves getting engaged in doing something that literally excites us that we virtually have an inability to focus on anything else. Therefore Rocket Express Learning System® has been designed to include a whole range of activities and features that will keep you engaged, motivated, and on track such as Progress Tracking, Rating System to rate how well you know, words, phrases, and lessons, Badges, Points and Leader board to keep you motivated and coming back for more, Phrase Finder to find words and phrases within different contexts throughout the course, My Vocab to store any difficult to remember vocabulary, and many more. The system will consistently upgrade their features and none of them will be charged.

Compared to other software packages that cost more than $500, Rocket German costs only $259.90 covering full access to all three levels. It turns out to be less than $1 per one hour of tuition. I never tried a learning software before, I think this might be just one. I have just registered for a free trial that will last for six days. 

If you are interested to know more, you can access the information through this site,

Rocket German

Hopefully this will help anyone who wants to learn German out there :-)

Vegetarian Journey !!

Ive been a vegetarian for about four months now. i was sitting on a chair and i was really serious about it the first time the idea came, i wanted to be like Annette Larkins, remains young till her old days... her story was inspirational to me because i couldnt even bear crinkles, what more of wrinklessssss.... i said to myself, even if Sultan Hassanah Bolkiah presented me with a heavenly feast with chicken wings, my heart would remain strong  and i would go through a clump of spiders for the sake of this new way of life. it was like ive been given a glimpse of sunshine from the heaven guys. it was beautiful... and suddenly the curtain was blown and a glimpse of sunshine fell into my eyes... and stylishly i fell from the chair...

Graciously i fell from the chair...

with enough time i span myself in the air, landed on the bed and posed like Sleeping Beauty

then it was time for me to go home. i told my mom that i had begun the diet for three months already and she didnt mind at all... one day my second cousin told us that he was going to hold a feast and he only informed us after his family had done preparing it. the family has been so nice with that i didnt have the heart to dissapoint them, therefore with a spirit like Dudley, Harry Potter's cousin, i turned the beast mode and ate like Bomburrrrrr...when it comes to chicken i become ridiculously crazy, and this could also be a reason why im a chicken (coward),,,, (theres a story behind my unusual craving for chicken)..

I was tempted !!

All of a sudden, Bombur's spirit and strength emerged inside me

after that unfortunate incident, i continued my vegan diet, eat rice with vegetables only. our fridge has a lot of stuff loaded by mum and she tends to forget what she buys so i've a got a lot of ideas to come up vegetarian recipes. please note that i use "vegetarian" instead of "vegan" because "vegan" only applies for a strict diet excluding dairy products and eggs as well, since i also take in eggs and milk therefore im just a vegetarian. when i came back to university that chicken craving came again, so i violated my dietary code for the second time, this time with elegance and sophisticated grace.

I did my second dietary code violation with STYLE

after that, i am more determined to keep my diet strict especially now i have understood something. i believe the light of spirituality will only enter my heart if i keep my diet out of those food that requires soul to be killed. in order to clean my body and soul, apart from thoughts, nutrition must be taken care too.

More determined this time !

these modern days, humanity and compassion are slowly diminishing from the hearts of humans. i have seen videos on the conditions of animals before they are being slaughtered and the ways the are slaughtered, and they are awfully barbaric. frequently some animals like chicken and goats are raised in pitiful states, crowded areas, and not very hygienic. these conditions are absolutely far from good in ensuring their well-beings. as we all know, animals are creatures of souls too, they know happiness, sadness, anger and fear. being raised in those conditions, we can only expect that they grow up with negative emotions. hence, we can deduce what form of meat are we to obtain then. yeah some look fit and healthy, which can be attributed to the hormonal factors, their owners supplied them hormones to make them producing more meat right.

We practice the value the more crowded the happier we'll be

even in the slaughtering process, i doubt about the atmospheres. are the animals being calmed down before their lives being taken away? is the slaughterhouse comfortable? is the blade blunt? are they all being allowed to die completely before they are being skinned? if the animals are in the state of unstable emotions before being slaughtered, stress hormones are triggered to excrete into the bloodstream and absorbed into their other body tissues. if we consume that type of meat, we end up consuming stress hormones ourselves. a study shows that the consumption of meat affected with fear-induced-hormones may lead to susceptibility to cardiac problems and fatigue as such.

I just ate Mama Chicken's eldest chick !

besides, we humans are primarily creatures of herbivores, we have internal tubes that are about ten times the length of our body while flesh eating animals have tubes about three times the length of their body. longer tubes mean longer digestive process, and it takes much longer to digest meat than it takes for non-meat products. it is more likely to putrefy first before it reaches the end of the process, and at the end, our intestines absorb the toxins as well.


by eating vegetables, we cause the least amount of destruction as plants have the lowest sense of awareness. besides, the protein in plants is efficiently absorbed unlike the one in meat. a balanced veggie diet also provides the lowest amount of cholesterol and sufficient nutritional needs. our minds become more alert and our souls become a lot more collected. many intellectuals are  vegetarians, such as philosophers and scientists like Plato, Pythagoras, Seneca, Plutarch, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, etc.. i think i've come across somewhere stating even Einstein considered vegetarianism before he passed away.

We Vegetarians are BRAINY People !!!

i love animals... i can only eat the chicken because when I was in preadolescent years, Mama Chicken often chased me around pecking and crowing because i approached her chicks, so i ate chicken out of grudge. but not anymore, im all grown up so i forgive the chicken and i wont eat them any longer as well as other living creatures. becoming a vegetarian enriches my soul and calms my mind.

This event has developed my craves for chicken flesh.

What I Want

i dont know i just want to write, i have always loved writing, or typing in this sense, ever since i was a child. it's still clear though quite vaguely how i loved writing long pages of essays exceeding the limits and how i was having quite a trouble in completing a summary, the disease i would call as an outburst of words ~~~

i used to be a sensitive person. but not anymore. the basis for that underlying feeling that time could probably be attributed to my way of thinking trying to emphasize myself into the self of one that talked to me, but most unfortunate, that was a wrong a person. perhaps that could at least contribute to how i was long agooo...

slowly and efficiently, im becoming more opened as a person, readily to express my feelings as i should, being concern about what other people may think of myself rarely passes through my mind anymore, is it has to do with my conscious effort of trying to think positive of other people? yes it does.

it is amazing how positive we can be when we know that we at the stake of failure for not doing a certain job, and to finish it requires us to interact with someone that we deeply assume as the last person on earth that we'll kiss on the forehead. and trying to force our heart to feel good seems, theoretically and almost practically, is effecting the other person who we communicate to. at first that person might be quite rude, but as we go with the flow, putting aside our pride, they can have fun with us...

i have been trying to write a story about a girl named Mebel about two or three days ago. oh God, it was laborious to put ideas into words. spending three hours to finish the first paragraph was exhausting when it came to a matter of writing that required me to plan how the story would go. i would have utilized my whole day of contemplating on how to start or end a story, while at the same time i needed the time to focus and think on something else.

my sole purpose at the moment is to develop a good mental attitude as this will bring up my emotional intelligence to a higher level, in other words, it will help me to deal or work in situations under pressure without disturbing the peace inside of me, though to be in situations of risky calamity is anyone's last choice.

The Lamentation Continues

anyone who has read my blog from the beginning, is definitely realized by the fact that i am a transgender or mukhannath or in other words, a woman born into a male body, and i am also a Muslim. being those two at the same time is quite an irony as one quite contradicts to the other. it was hard to not being a Muslim as that was the religion i was first introduced to (an inherited belief), which i studied moderately for my own understanding and i was always a spiritual person (and i'm still), i thought about God all the time though i was not the one likely to be considered as a strictly practical Muslim, but i always thought of Him and i said to myself that one day, that i was going to do all that He asked His servants to do, completely.

maybe i'll become like this one day.

i was accustomed to the belief that God is the most loving, the most just, and a Divine Perfection, so i thought to myself, well since He has always been generous to me, at least in things i could not see the implications of not having around, and the promise that He would reward me in the afterlife if i abstain myself, i thought, it would well worth it to practice abstinence.

abstinence, get it?

i could never marry a girl, but i could resist that feeling of wanting to be dressed  as a girl. but i was living a life where everyone was constantly talking about marriage and anyone who failed to do so would become a standpoint that our Prophet, Rasulullah would not acknowledge him or her as one of his people in The Day of Judgement. little by little i was mentally coerced to be more and more of whom that was not me.

later i learnt about the Muslim Saint, Rabiatul Adawiyah and the conditions for a marriage as a guideline provided by Imam Syafie that marriage is an obligation for those people who will fall into fornification if not married. the conclusion is i cannot marry a woman because i am a woman in my heart.

i want to become a woman, live a social life as a woman, and to be addressed as she instead of he. i want to get married and have a wonderful and compassionate husband who will lead me in living my life as a servant of God, and who will understand me and love me as i am, and have beautiful children with him. having a husband is one that you choose for a lifetime, not just a one-night-stand. that's my view.

and i always hope that one day i will meet the man of my dream who will love the woman in me, see the woman in me, totally love me, not just some instant sexual tool which he can call up to whenever he needs to unleash his virility. it is, by no doubt, every girl's dream.

this is my dream. and the mother is me.

as much as i believe that God has purposely created the mukhannathun, or the transgenders, because of my interpretation of these verses of Quran, i still have doubt whether i will still be blessed to live as a woman. the conservative thought of being wrong to become a transgender is still deeply buried within me. i am not sure if i will be completely happy later. besides, i also have a concern for my husband to have a complete and fulfilled life, where he can have children of his own, as normal as possible.

The Qur'an recognizes that there are some people who are "ineffectual" [عَقِيم], thus neither male nor female:

The Chapter of Ash Shuraa: 

49 "To Allah belongs the dominion over the heavens and the earth. It creates what It wills. It prepares for whom It wills females, and It prepares for whom It wills males. 

((للهِ مُلْكُ السَّموتِ وَالْاَرْضِ يَخْلُقُ مَا يَشَآءُ يَهَبُ لِمَنْ يَّشَآءُ اِنَاثاً وَّيَهَبُ لِمَنْ يَّشَآءُ الذُّكُوْر

50 Or It marries together the males and the females, and It makes those whom It wills to be ineffectual. Indeed It is the Knowing, the Powerful.", 

      (اَوْ يُزَوَّجُهُمْ ذُكْرَاناً وَّاِنَاثاً وَيَجْعَلُ مَنْ يَّشَآءُ عَقِيْماً اِنَّهُ عَلِيْمٌ قَدِيْمٌ)


And this is the description of the above verses;

|| These last two verses (42:49 and 50) are usually interpreted differently in English translations to say that God bestows daughters or sons on whom It wills and gives some people both sons and daughters. But there are problems with this interpretation, one of which being that the word for causing to marry or pairing up [زَوَّجَ] is used in the second verse. When families have boys and girls, the boys and girls do not usually arrive in pairs! The second problem is that, in Qur'anic verses mentioning males and females together, the males are usually mentioned first, and the females second (e.g., 3:195, 4:12, 4:124, 6:143-144, 16:97, 40:40, 42:50, 49:13, 53:21, 53:45, 75:39, 92:3). This is the only verse in the Qur'an, as far as I know, in which the female is mentioned before the male. If these two verses were talking about sons and daughters, we would expect sons to be mentioned before daughters.

In this case, the "males first" principle would indicate that the lines are referring to females and males not as offspring, but as counterparts, i.e. objects of desire, for "whom(ever) God wills." The female objects of desire are mentioned first because they are most typically objects of desire for males. Hence, even this verse is referring to males first, as the most typical "whom(ever)" for whom God prepares females. Yet the use of the word "whom(ever)" leaves it open for females to be objects of desires for other females as well, when God wills, and for males to be love objects for females and other passive non-males. I believe this verse is very neatly and concisely describing the varieties of sexual orientation and gender, which Allah, the All-Knowing and All-Powerful, creates as Allah wishes. ||



and one day, i will lose everything that i will ever had in this world, which finally the only one that is left for me is God.

the basic understanding of all these is that, there is an urge inside of me which is much stronger than the worldly desires, is calling me to devote my life to God. i have always believed, even however screwed i am, that one day, i will prostrate to Him in most of my time... even up until now i just want to dedicate my life only for Him...

but i have a responsibility to myself, my mother and my siblings to build a life that is stable for us, for that, i have to ignore many temptations that will divert me from my path.

and what about the situation after i have overcomed all the obstacles? what will i do later in my life?

well, as a wise man said "dont think about the future, work on the NOW and enjoy the NOW."

i think that is what i will do, i will work hard and i know if i put a lot of labour now, life will be much easier. but what about the women in Africa who put laborious efforts more than Bill Gates has ever done and still living the life much less than Mr Gates himself. i guess that is where dreams and planning play a great deal of role in a particular success.