so many things happened in such a short period of time !!!

so these past few months i was completely out of interest for blogging as something happened to my husband, he died due to an accident with Jason's buffalo when crossing my mother's farm last two months, so practically i was mourning for his death as well as happily receiving his billions of Euro money, not to mention my questionable way of avenging his death by paying Jason with cash. yes... i killed my husband...indirectly...

baby2 are u ok in there? dont move, let it kills u thanks.

no, not that, i lost interest in making money to click those websites, those are all ridiculous no way im gonna spend my hours in a day to visit those not so much profit returning websites. i might as well bomb the homes of the owners... and  i wont delete my previous posts too, it's ok read it all everybody, get flabbergasted of how foolish i was and thank goodness i havent reached the level of that of a cow...

no not u, me silly, to fall in love with such a handsome money like u...

the truth is it was last month when i was having a stroll through a lane of a mountain side in Himalaya looking for the truth inside myself, i finally caught a glimpse of Gandalf with his stick slowly walking towards me, i asked him, "Gandalf what r u doing here, long time no see, now i know why ur not in Valinor last two weeks when i was there..".. and he said" oh, hoh hoh, lady yuri, time may have touched me but not so the lady of liars. i am merely looking for Frodo who lost his mind and stranded on this modern earth through a portal accidentally created by me, and for almost a month ive been doing so"... i retorted "my oh my, theres a set of halfling skeletons i found by the tree not so far from here, that could be him and please forgive my polar bear dog, have a nice day!"... poor Gandalf he turned gloomy so suddenly, then in a few feet away i accelerated at the speed of light when i heard Gandals screamt "i will slice your throat yuri undomieliarrrr"... hahahahaha

mummy2, Gandalf wants to knock me with his walking stick!

but i was so sad... tom welling said he could not spend the third weekend every month usually provided exclusively for me because Jamie suspected something fishy was going on regarding the smell of his husband everytime he returned home... sorry Jamie, i am the true love of Tom you're just a womb carrier for his children not to mention as well being a good source gene pool... the strategy to look for a new scandal is being initiated...

i always asked him to be attired like this whenever he's coming over...

i dont know... i lost the strength of my heart so many long time ago when i was still the crowned princess of Cetra, it was my sister, she envied me for having the fairest face in the world, contrary to the fact that she inherited that shiny hair gleaming in a yellow silvery way. no one knows, the Cetras are mostly red-haired, less commonly blond, and most rare is raven which is my hair, the hair of the first Cetras, before they moved to a place still unknown to the second and third races of the Cetras. so it's not about who's more beautiful actually it's about who is more original... well what to do, thanks nanny Serena for dying my hair since i was a baby, what was her motive, i still do not know... 

we can foreverly argue whos the most beautiful but we
will remain as the best siblings forever with me being the most beautiful...

Industrial Training..

currently im doing an industrial training as a conclusion for my three years of studying, though in fact i will not likely about to graduate with my coursemates as i will have to extend for another semester to complete my thesis and repeat several subjects.

guess m not gonna grad with my friends yet

on 22 June, i came with my friend to the residential college within the the area of our training place, a hospital university. it was saturday, and the training day started on 24th.

to cut it short, it has been a month and nine days since the day i first started and time flew by so quickly that it seemed very unnoticed. just like the life stories of many others, a lot of things happened during the period, happy, sad, frustrated moments and any other sort of things, as a process of learning and developing one's self.

i made a lot of friends since we were on the same team under the same supervisor at the workplace. they were all friendly, easy going, kind, appreciative, and a lot more, needless for me to say how much i really appreciate them.

making friends

about a week after we started, i was placed at the Magnetic Resonance Imaging unit, the 3 Tesla machine partnered with my faculty mate and she was being placed at the 1.5 Tesla machine. we studied about the machine, and later we had to make a survey on the frequency of the usage of the machine by the patients. we really didnt know how to start at first. the questionnaire form asked several details regarding the patient, the gender, age, status either single or married, the type of examination, examination comprehension, how many times has the patient being examined through the machine, the responses on the comfortability during diagnostic, hospitality received by the staffs in charged and the commodities provided.

MRI machine

we could always look into each patient's medical form usually present if the patient had an appointment for diagnostis that day. however the problem lied in the responses we needed, which implied we should ask the patients ourselves. at first, we really did inquire the patients, mostly done before they underwent the diagnosis, somehow, if the patient was a first timer, it was practically impossible to find out whether the patient would feel comfortable during the diagnosis, meanwhile for a second timer, the inquiry was based on the patient's first time experience. we did actually try to inquire the patients once they had finished their diagnosis, but almost half of them refused our request with an excuse of hurrying.. "im sorry i am rushing, cannot answer your questions."..

no im rushing late, i couldnt even make it to put on my pants

excluding bone diagnosis, all other tissue scanning requires the injection of contrast media to ensure an image with a better resolution. so we had to observe each patient before they were submitted into the machine room from the moment the patient was interviewed to ensure they did not fit in certain conditions that might inhibit them from undergoing the scanning. such conditions might be the presence of pacemaker, cochlea implant or any other feromagnetic implants, these things might disturb the resolution of the image produced.

the first time i asked the head of the MRI department, Mrs Halimah, she explained a lot of things to us students and on many instances i seemed to be quite slow in catching it up. but there was this one thing that i suppose i will briing to the death with my memory, she said, the media contrast that the patient injected wiith is gadolinium. and u know what everytime theres a patient going to be submitted into the scanning room i would ask the radiographer in charged, did the patient get injected with gadolinium? the staffs did not use the word gadolinium to be honest, it was contrast media... and i felt quite stupid of myself...

and the time flew so fast that i didnt realize the time for us to present our findings was about to come, and not to include the ending of the fasting month of ramadhan, and recently we have just celebrated the aidilfitri and now im back at the training place.

so sad to leave my happy family

there should be two presentations, with external supervisor and with internal supervisor who is going to play the academic part.. well the presentation is far from my interest...

i just wonder, what benefit does this practical bring to me, how can i improve myself from this, what experiences that teach me how to be a better person, have i really changed, am i still the same person who lets his emotional thoughts restrict his way of exploring and how long will it last...

because i dont want my negative emotional habit to be carried away into my job experience....
i know this new entry is a bit gloomy... it has to do with me having complications with my spirituality, education, family, friends and the personal feeling which is a bit tragic.

i felt so gloomy that i think it might be better for me to shut myself in the bag...

The Diary Of A Happy Hospital Ex Resident

do u ever had romance fantasy with someone? i bet u do. everyone does... maybe some do not. and these people who never had romance fantasy with anyone are not abnormal... they are exceptional to me. oh God how much i wanna be like them so that i dont have to suffer watching the only guy i ever loved married to another woman....

i never had any desire in romance, my love is only for God, thats why he chose me as His angel...

in 2003,,,, i met the man whom i had the most crush in my entire life... though he only appeared on the magic box, playing rugby on the field of a series named Smallville.... i was struck the first time i saw him in the commercial that was announcing the drama would be aired that night... watching him for the first time was like looking at an angel descending from heaven.. unfortunately that night my younger brother was watching another channel, his favourite show... with a spirit like an ancient warrior, i changed the channel,,,and then ......WARRRRRRR

we took a duelling that night using inherited broomsticks from our ancestors,,
whoever won would rule the tv,,,and the duelling was done in egypt, thats why its daylight..

from that moment on i knew deep in my heart, that hes the first man that i'm going to swive with... i even bought the first banana stocking for him specially for him....

the scene in the commercial the first time i saw him was almost like this.

truthfully, i fell in love with tom at first place only for his messy hair look, along with his pleasant-to-look-at face or undeniably gorgeousss, his soft speaking tone (not like ladyboys k), his tall build, the personality he showed in the drama, and last but not least, his big frame muscular frame,,,,oohhh how warm it is to be in his arms...to be rolled together with himmmm.... i m certain any genuine or pseudo woman will easily fall for him...but cautious, hes mine.

was it just a pure pure teen love....

or a lunatic obsession?

i didnt really know how he actually was outside. it was the good farm boy character in the movie that made my heart melt and i imagined thats the way he was in the real world. polite attitude, kind, soft hearted, but defensive at times for the people he loves,,,,especially ME,,,, i love u too tom... sincerely...

tom, if u know me, i just want u to know...whatever that i look like in your eyes,, deep in my heart, im a beautiful woman with a gorgeous face, pious heart, smooth flawless light brown skin, curved body, plumpy lips, easily squeezed boobsie, and nice pussy.... i feel soooo womanly when i hear your voice when i look at your face when i look at your chest when i look at your arms and when i look at your crotch,,,errr.. whats there....

please know tom,,its the truest me thats looking at u right now....

when i was a kid, i stood by a wooden window in my room, looking at the sunset, i imagined tom touched me slowly from behind and softly held me.... ooohhhhh guys i almost fainteed.... i almost felll.. the scene was like i was a pregnant wife, and tom was enjoying the moment with me and our baby....without wasting time, i took a blanket, i stuffed it into my shirt,,,and tadaaa,,,,it was a perfect moment for both of us,,,at least before my mum nagged me that its already late and theres a long queue to the bathroom...

right after mother returned to the kitchen, tom and i took a leisurely stroll through the garden

my heart will always cherish our hardly existing memories together....

it wasnt until i became acquainted with internet that when i googled him,,,and there it was... HE WAS MARRIED ONE YEAR EARLIER BEFORE I FIRST SAW HIM

what happened after that...i woke up in a psychiatric hospital tied to my bed, i was shocked,,,
on the wall written,

MONSTROUS BETRAYAL....

then the nurse untied me, i took a mirror and looked at my face....

what happened mom, guys?

my mum, sister and brother were sobbing in the corner with each holding tissues... then even i followed sobbing as well,,, mother asked "why r u cryiing dear"... i said " i cried because u cried mother, this is like in movie,,," .... i quickly rushed to them and held them and we all cried altogether like we havent seen each other in years.. even the nurse came to hug us and cried along... we mourned so loudly... and when the doctor saw this, all of us were together taken as the new patients... regardless of everything, we felt so happy...doctor, we'll try our best to become good residents.

i cried... knowing the man i love has been taken away from me right before i met him

the truth is, knowing on how he tried to protect his life and family from the media, how long hes been together with his wife, and his low profile lifestyle, it really shows how a great husband he is, a wonderful man.. he wouldnt do that unless his wife is really worth to die for... jamie must have been a really wonderful woman... im happy for you jamie....

Tom; "I don't want to be a celebrity for the sake of being a celebrity.
I want to work and then go home and live in private."

To Jamie White....

dont u ever call me friend anymore. u looked innocent when u stabbed me from my back. did u remember when u said u didnt like him and u even helped him hitting on me... after that what did u do?.... i trusted u...i hate u with all my heart....how could u jamie,,,how could u....ill never forget this... but,,,,if by any chance u get divorce from him before this august,,, i want u to know....that ur invited to my birthday party this september. the theme is jungle... dont forget to invite ur ex-husband-to-be along. please ask him to wear the tarzan skirt as well. my dress? secret...

| ^_^ |  seriously, if tom ever asks me to be his scandal today, right by tomorrow i'll straight away go operate to make pussy... watchhh outttt....

IF YOU BELIEVE AND TRUST !

hi guys... today i read something remarkable... the experience of a young woman from Romania on how she managed to pull herself from the hardship of her life... i was stunned (sigh,,,like always) and things might be different for me as well...

i was stunned guys !

here is the story... read carefully with full of passion and perseverance... those with soft hearts, prepare a box of tissues k.

get a kleenex before read

The Secret Works, If You Believe And Trust!

by Christy from Romania.

Wow! I can't express how grateful I am to finally be able to share my story with you. I come here to read other people's stories almost every day, and I always find comfort in them. It gives me such a wonderful feeling to hear about other people's successes and happiness. 

I first found out about The Secret a few years ago. It was a time when things didn't go so well and I was always complaining about how hard life was with me. A friend invited me over and made me watch a copy of The Secret DVD with him. I was stunned about what I discovered about myself that day. About the power of the Law of Attraction. The power to change my circumstances and be happy. But as time passed by, I am not proud to recognize that I forgot about what The Secret taught me, and just went on living on automatic pilot. 

Fast forward a few years, July 2010, after I finished my master's degree I had to move back to my hometown and live with my parents. Things began to go downward from there. I felt so miserable. I was jobless, missed my friends, gained a little weight, and to top all that, my boyfriend broke up with me three days after I moved back home. I was devastated. Even though I missed every one of my friends, I didn't want to talk to them. I was constantly thinking of my ex. Even though our four year relationship was on and off all the time, and didn't bring me joy, I really couldn't get him out of my head.

A few months passed by when I didn't do anything but sleep, eat, and sleep again. I was even arguing with my family almost all day every day, so I began to avoid them by getting locked up in my room. I was totally lost. 

One night I couldn't sleep and I began to pray for a miracle. I then remembered about The Secret. I remembered about how good it made me feel when I watched it the first time, so I began to watch it again that same night. It struck me so hard and I was so mad at myself for not being able to see it clearly sooner. What was I doing? Crying myself to sleep won't change anything, but make it worse. So I decided then that by Christmas I would move back, find a new job, and perhaps afterward find a new boyfriend. 

So, in order to move back I needed some money. It came. I found two job opportunities in my hometown. I had both interviews on the same day. I took the one I wanted and made the work contract for two months only. It was late September. Everybody, including my boss, asked me why work for such a short period of time? They all laughed when I told them that in December I would move back to the city. 

When my contract was over, in November, I still hadn't found the opportunity to go back, but I held my faith strong. I started writing a journal, made affirmation stickers, and spread them all over my room. I even started to talk again with my friends. I had lost weight, and I started to feel really good about myself. I even started to draw again, something I didn�t do for quite some time. 

One day I was on The Secret website and I read a story about a woman making a list of the qualities she wanted in her perfect partner. I made one too. And it's a pretty long list. Two days after that a guy wanted to be my friend on Facebook. I saw that he went to the same university as me, so I added him to my list. We started chatting even on messenger. He made me laugh, so I was glad I made a new friend. I told him about me searching for a job and how sure I was that I would move back to the city.

Well, let me tell you that the opportunity to go back came on December the 6th. I had a job interview and I got it. I found a great rent in two days and was back in the city on December 10th. On the same night I met the guy from Facebook. He was wonderful. He became my boyfriend. We spent Christmas together. 

But I was constantly afraid of this new relationship being too good to be true, and guess what? Your wish is my command! He left me. The reason was that we were moving too fast. I thought at first that this was meant to happen, because my ex started to contact me after finding out about my new boyfriend. He told me he wanted to start over again, but I wasn't so sure anymore I wanted that relationship again. 

After a few days I found my list with the qualities I wanted in my partner, and was stunned to discover that the new guy was everything on that list. I was so upset that I screwed it up with perhaps the most wonderful person I have ever met.

I remembered The Secret again and tried to be happy with myself, not let anything get me down, and continued to have faith in the fact that my perfect guy would return. In the mean while I was concentrating on my new job, and I entered a contest that I won second place in. I bought a professional camera that I always dreamed of. I continued having fun with my friends. It wasn't always easy, but I kept my faith.

Anyway, it took a few months but my guy came back. :) I was ecstatic when he called and asked me out on a date. Our relationship is so great. He's everything I wanted and more.

As I write all this I am constantly amazed at how great things turned out for me. I wanted to move back to the city by December and I did. I have found a great job; I have a great relationship with a great guy. I have many good friends, and I am so happy. :)

So thank so much Rhonda for sharing The Secret with the world. Thank you all for having the patience to read my story. I wish you all the best and always believe that the Universe will give you anything you want as long as you believe in it and don't get lost in the negative thoughts. Believe and have faith that things will turn out great no matter what.

About Cristy from Romania:

I am a happy young woman, who has everything she wants and will get more.

do you feel me guys???

***Did you cry for the beauty of her story? i cried too guysssss.... i m definitely gonna make my own list...tall, handsome, pockets full of golds not stones,,,,,,,, big banana.....oopss...sorrryyyyyy

Different different and different...

i came from a poor family. my mother worked so hard to sustain our lives as her children. she worked as a food seller riding a motorcycle from one village to another from as early as 6am to 1pm... she didnt make much, but it was enough to support our family and there were other sources too. my father had separated from my mother as he had his own story to tell... he was once a working class man working in the oil and gas sector enjoying quite a wealthy lifestyle. it wasn't until his own friend tricked him leading my father banished from his job. he didnt make his life very well since then which forced the divorce from my mother. i appreciate both of them regardless of who they are...

she never lack in her smile, my mom...whatever hardship, she still keeps smiling.

i wasnt very bright but i did quite well in school. i played around a lot, but still i managed to get ahead of the other students during my time. eversince i was young, i always felt that i was a girl from the inside though i m actually a boy. always got beaten by my mother for my behaviour of loving wearing girl's clothes, and one day when i turned 19, i decided to change and conform to my physical gender identity. i tried to behave as a real man, changed the way i talked and walked and many others.

i always felt like a girl....

it wasnt until i turned 21 years old recognizing it was really hard to change the way i felt inside. being a straight acting man feeling like a girl made me feel so gay. i didnt wanna be gay. i'd rather be labeled as a transgender or a fag than a gay. i wasnt against any gay men, but it was more like against my natural feeling.

its more like, im a girl, then i have a boyfriend. as any other guy, he always hangs with his buddies. but one day, it turns out that he had an intimate relationship with one of his buddies making him to be at least bisexual. then he still says he loves me and so on. and seeing him again with another guy, i dont think i could resist the feeling that hes gonna make love with that man at anytime again... this is a complicated feeling of why i'd rather be a pseudo-girl than a pure straight acting gay.

girl: ill kill u if u sleep with my crush
monkey: get lost

after that i kept my hair growing long so that i would look like a girl. i took a very good care of it. and many have said that i really looked like a girl though i never took hormone pills. and i like their compliments. during the semester of my study at a local university, i noticed there were some few guys that tried to hit on me. i felt quite complete as a girl though quite pseudo. but at the same time, i was quite scared to respond. i never responded to them but there was this one guy that i returned his feeling, but later i took it back and we never made it to make love with each other.

guys, i made it,,,im now rapunzel guys,,,oh no m so happy that  i wanna cry guys!! help me guyssss

this is quite conservative, but i had something in my mind telling me i shouldnt just sleep with any guys and have fun for the sake of i have nothing to lose. its more like a dignity, ever since i was a kid, i always imagined that one day, im just gonna be with only one guy for my entire life. no offence but my preference is only for straight guys, as i want a man to love me for the femininity inside of me and i'd rather not to have my boyfriend sleeping with his own buddy in the other room. and i'll only be with that one guy i assume for maybe until i reach 50 years old since i target myself to live until 100 years old,,,and the remaining 50 years will be used to prepare for the afterlife by carrying myself into the forest and wander in the wilderness...

no pleaseee m waiting 4 the right guy... unless ur justin timberlake, then ill open my legs right awaayyyyyy

thats the planning for my life.

oh why did i go so sentimental...

come on girls,,its the crying season,,,dont forget to fill the buckets,,,and water the flowerss...so we can harvest them later.

i fed up with my friends' questions about whether i have a girlfriend or not, what age do i target to get married, how many children bla bla bla.. should i hit their heads with bricks or baseball stick?

i suspected that they might have mental disorder but somehow i felt it strange that they managed to get into the university.. so why couldnt they get it just by observing me? marrying a girl, r u nuts? that would make me a modern aged lesbolita...

tell me guys, should i use this???

haha i wasnt upset, they r still my friends,,,,just that the community that i live in is quite conservative when it comes to people that bend their gender identity from the normal plane. i do not dare to voice out in case of discrimination... but i do have a lot of transgender friends who are very outspoken about their gender identity... i dont even know what im afraid of anyway..

but there is one thing for sure,,, i am going to become a very very very rich and wealthy pseudo-girl... hohoho... to those people who insulted me before, im going to flatten them using my future lamborghini HAHAHAHA

i have become so beautifull... no jealousy is allowed.

Re-edit and Create a New One !

It has been a long time since the last time i published my thoughts. I felt so lazy to compose a long series of paragraphs like im going to compete in national essay championship, not to mention how i need to re-edit them again and again so that they will not look so formal and serious and boring and so yawning hohoho...

hate modern sanskrit....

therefore i chose another way that is publishing my thoughts in short forms on facebook and twitter.

But my previous entries really are formal and yawning... dont you  think?

Are my thoughts important? Yes they are! at least from my point of view.. And it doesnt mean that i perceive thoughts from other people with unequal significance.

And to come back again, looking back at my previous entries. WOw i felt i really need to re-edit them,,, hmm i just have two entries so far, and this is my third one. So ill just let them be, for me to review them back and learn again and at some point perhaps ill say, --> okay this is how i was... a growing human being. hmmm

okay guys today ill teach u how to edit memories...

Why am i saying that i need to re-edit my entries?

The first one is about the Be Ourselves entry. I talked about how we should be confident, to focus, not to care how others perceive us and so on... while i find that in my real life, im a very introverted person. Im very outgoing actually. Easy-going... But to stand in front of more than ten people is like asking me to jump off a cliff !

The truth is, why i wrote that entry was because i was trying to convince myself to be confident, to be much more outspoken, to inspire myself to be much more focused. Well something happened yesterday... It has been more than 6 months since the last time i performed a presentation. And during it, i was, straightly to say, nervous...

im nervous..help2 for the love of God !!

I posed myself in front of the audience so shyly,,, and sweetly,,,and cutely.. and with no focus ! thats why i said, focus is important! focus should be our daily food... not just daily, but hourly or every second !! With focusing every moment, u can be easily prepared for almost everything.... and coming back now to read that entry, makes me feel like i dont deserve to help people in gaining confidence while i myself am losing one...

The truth is, that is good. Though i myself do not have it yet, By helping people to achieve something that i havent yet achieved, is actually something that is going to make me achieve it! why,,, ill explain later...

come2,, let me help u and i myself get helped.

And for the second entry, The Perception... i spoke about the subconscious mind... those terms seem to sound more scientific.... well, actually the entry consisted only rough explanations... I didnt go into detailed yet that time...

before we become friends, i need to perceive u..

That was from the book The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy.

it all has to do with ur subconscious mind..

and on February 2nd 2013, I found this movie,  The Secret  based on the book with the same title authored by Rhonda Byrne that spoke about the law of attraction... the existence of the power that governs every thing in our lives, say it, money, relationships, prosperity, health and everything... 

my name is rhonda and ive a mission to spread joy to millions...

The basis for this law is, whatever thought that you have in your mind, if that is what you keep thinking, it will manifest and come to you... It can also be assumed in this way,,,,, thoughts that you put emotion, passion or any feeling can become reality,,, only if you dwell on that thought for a certain length of time... and whatever that you want will manifest only if the subconscious frequency of your mind matches that of the thing you want...

children lets start imagine.. one two go !!

Sometimes i thought to myself... isnt physical effort is as important as much as positive thinking... well... physical effort is to help you focus on the thing you want... it is by focusing that you can direct the energy into that one thing in mind...

yes2 this is it.. work hard... no life needed !!

i know this is all sounds crazy and it is hard to accept... but whats wrong with positive thinking, no complaining and just be happy???

but, u will not lose anything just by trying... why not you guys find those books and read them....

there is one thing for sure.. i am not gonna give up until the one thing i want to manifest...